You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
operation harelip BJ is a go
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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