I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
