woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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