i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
