i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
