What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
