Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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