Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize