that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
