Moan for me like Helen Keller
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
This couple is walking their pig around campus
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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