Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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