I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
