you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
