Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Who died my cat blue again?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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