i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
