my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
