chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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