I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
