Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
