hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
