you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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