My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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