and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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