I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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