The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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