my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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