Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
