you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
