Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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