I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize