When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize