WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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