I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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