i'm signing you up for texting rehab
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
