Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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