conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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