he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize