Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
