Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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