I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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