After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
