Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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