Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
