You just made me feel so damn special
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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