So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
