the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
