____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
