I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Farmville is her only friend.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
