Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
