Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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