I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
