It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
