Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
