you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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