There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
