his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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