did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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