Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
