We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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