I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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