He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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