I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
