My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
