I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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