This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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