i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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