She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
